Goal: Achieve better outcomes as a product manager (or any other professional).
Problem: Professionals often beat themselves up with guilt and shame under pressure. As a result, the pressure compounds and may lead to a personal burn-out.
Possible Solution: Apply self-compassion to move past the setbacks quickly.
Measure of Success: Solve at least one hard situation at work by practicing self-compassion principles.

Some time ago I read an article in the Harvard Business Review about the importance of treating yourself with compassion at work.
At the time, I had a typical busy day with multiple conflicting priorities and very little time to stop and think. I remember pushing my to-do list aside and re-reading the points from the article more carefully. Some seemed trivial, others, made me think. So I went ahead and tried them. That day and all that followed have been a much more enjoyable ride with the key principals of self-compassion applied.

Fast-forward to recent times, I started hearing some warning signs of stress and high self-pressure from one of my friends who is also a colleague. I felt like I needed to step in.
It was time to revisit that old article that worked so well for me and also add some new findings from the latest reports.

What is Self-Compassion at Work?

First off, what is self-compassion?
As defined by Dr.Neff here:

The balance between increased positive and decreased negative self-responding in times of personal struggle. Self-compassion entails being kinder and more supportive toward oneself and less harshly judgmental.

This definition applies well to any environment including work.

The studies are not conclusive and there is still a lot to learn, based on what is available online. One thing is generally clear is that this practice of self-care build up resilience and stability in response difficult times.

There are some interesting and in-depth researchers on the subject. For example, Dr.Kristin Neff who is regarded as a pioneer in filed and her site https://self-compassion.org/ has a lot of useful data that anyone can look up. My favorite one is the section where she describes the “Myths about Self-Compassion” - believe me, I was initially falling into the similar pitfalls thinking that the word “self-compassion” was just a substitute for “washing my hands of this project”.

Why Does it Matter?

Things that trigger times of personal struggle for product managers or other roles include: pivots, change in direction, delays, honest mistakes, challenging customer, miscommunication, missed deadline, wrong requirements and other.
When faced with any of these, the physical response is the production of stress hormones like cortisol.
This study even suggests that shame and guilt impair Working Memory - we are talking about simple tasks like following a conversation or writing down a phone number! So, it’s fair to assume that once these emotions are on, there is even less chance of moving past a complicated situation and problem-solving effectively. It’s a vicious circle.

I am a story-teller. I like examples. So let’s look at a few possible scenarios that may happen at work where self-compassion could have made everything better.

Scenario A:

Cassie is a marketing lead for a large company. She has been prepping for a big campaign for months. Today is the day she is approving the social media posts launch. But everything is going wrong. Her community manager is on a sick leave. The design head just informed her that the latest graphics where sent back for changes. The product manager is sending her Slack messages with some last-minute clarifications on the product functionality.
Cassie sinks into her chair defeated. With the clock ticking, she is overwhelmed with the feeling of dread. She should have had a plan B for all these things that went wrong. She failed. She is useless. Might as well resign.

Outcome: Cassie is stuck on the idea that she cannot win. She is hurting and her judgment is clouded. She is wasting time on criticizing herself and any new plan that comes to mind is dismissed.

Scenario B:

Olivia is a junior backend engineer. She feels the need to prove herself to her senior and avoid asking too many questions. She believes that not knowing how to do something is a sign of incompetence. She spends hours researching testing approaches for a JSON object to pass to a 3rd party API. The team’s stand-up is approaching and Olivia is sweating bullets knowing that she will not have that pull request everyone is waiting for. She buries herself in more and more resources failing to come up with the solution.

Outcome: Olivia sees herself as a failure for not knowing and having the necessary experience. And the longer she spends in this mindset without asking for help, the likelier the chance of it becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

What’s happening here?
In both cases, the obsessive desire to be perfect and hold yourself to the highest standard all the time may not be just a personal trait. This study highlights that “perfectionism” is becoming a societal norm - we put more and more pressure on being able to do it all on both ourselves and the people around us. As a result, imaginary Cassie has spent her precious energy blaming herself, and Olivia wasted too many hours researching a small-impact task.

What are my Go-To Self-Compassion Technics?

Here is a process I defined for myself so far to get out of a passive self-tormenting mindset back into problem-solving solution-driven mode:

• Stop and Gaze

• Write it Down

• Fire with Fire

• Ask for Help

Stop and Gaze

Whenever I feel overwhelmed or things start to get out of control, I ‘stop’. If it’s a group setting like a meeting or a huddle, I find a rational way to pause and let everyone take a minute. This type of ‘time-out’ normally works well regardless of the audience.

Another part of it is the ‘gaze’. How often do we actually look at each other or ourselves? Interestingly, “In critical theory, philosophy, sociology, and psychoanalysis, the gaze, in the figurative sense, is an individual's awareness and perception of other individuals, other groups, or oneself.” [Source Wikipedia] And going back to the self-compassion definition, we cannot be kinder and more supportive toward ourselves without a clear awareness and perception. So that’s why I take a minute to make eye contact with myself in the mirror or with the people around me at the time.

Write it Down

The second step, normally done best alone, is to write down in as few words as possible what exactly is the problem. Use a word cloud if it helps to list out spontaneously what I feel and why. I try to stay mindful of the environment and the real emotions that come in. Not bottling or masking them up. I am in a safe space with no threats - just tet-a-tet with myself.

Fire with Fire

Well, this step might not be too pleasant. If the feedback or a perceived failure comes from an individual or a group, I have to go ask for forgiveness(if needed) and clarity. It might feel counter-intuitive to jump back into ground zero of hurt and shame, but after the first two steps, this should be pretty effective since I already had paused and reflected on why and how I felt. I am not expecting a new unlabeled emotional response. Let me just hear it all out and move forward.

Ask for Help

Only if the above is completed and I know exactly what my true feelings are, what triggered them, and how it was perceived, I find an ally to resolve the situation. It might be as simple as a conversation asking for feedback, advice, or just empathy. Or it may be an actual request to provide assistance. The main goal here is to recover and reset. I want to achieve better outcomes regardless of a potential setback. I will not see it as a weakness or a defeat, but rather as an opportunity and a chance to build a better relationship and to collectively succeed.

I mix and match them or use for mental hygiene even without a stressful situation. Sort of like a fire drill. These have helped me a few times whenever I was faced with an unexpected setback and also whenever I felt like it would benefit the other individual in front of me. Because if you have self-compassion, you will naturally and organically grow compassion towards others.

Summary:

There are many ways that we can make our jobs more enjoyable and achievements more satisfying. Self-compassion might not solve all hard situations or bring resolutions to wicked problems. What it can do 10/10 times is give us the time to chemically process the situation, find the rational solution, and move forward without wasting precious energy.

I hope you try at least one principle of self-compassion today and have a better day!